Incoming Transmission:Type emergency
Engaging data recovery
Proccessing...
Proccessing...
Proccesing complete Activating Playback.
This is Sheildman Mary of the FSS hallaja We are in a state of emergency right now.
Readings show hull at three Percent we're out of missles and Fuel.Rebels have arrived and
shields are gone. Engines are fucked AND are boarding crew, as well as two of Are shipboard including our captain is K.I.A.
So basicly I'm fucked...and...I DON'T WANT TO DIE(sobs) I cant take it and... and its not even my fault I was drafte-*choking**crying*
(Warning Sudden Cabin depressurization).
End Transmission.
BTW this is my first time writing a story. Still trying to get used to this system.This is FSS-Killemdead signing out.
Tuning Out.
-
FSS-killemdead
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2015 1:42 am
-
stylesrj
- Posts: 3644
- Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2014 7:54 am
Re: Tuning Out.
In my opinion, I think the story needs a little more meat (I know it's your first time with writing FTL fanfiction but hey, a lot of people have a story to tell). The way its been written so far is like the opening post to a roleplay. I'm expecting someone to come in and answer the distress signal.
There are so many ways this can go because as of right now, it's another one of those "Oh great, another distress call story. Cheap tragedy, little payoff." It's like reading the Ugly Barnacle.
"Once there was a Federation ship named the FSS Hallaja. It was boarded by Rebels and everyone died. The end."
I dunno, give me someone's viewpoint. Are a bunch of officers in a war room reviewing a series of distress messages with the same pattern and talking about the horrors of war or is it a story of enduring hope where the crew fends off the Rebel assault at 1HP, jumps away from the system and begins a slow process of recovery?
Because I'm bored and in a creative mood, I hope you don't mind if I take a stab at it:
---------------------
Admiral Tully sat in his war room with the other Federation officers. Displayed on the big board was a scene of horror - a still image of a Federation soldier fighting off orange jumpsuited Humans with rifles.
Captain Rebekah of the Swallow was the first to comment "Sir, what are we looking at? I've seen worse horrors at a spider's nest. Now that was no joke."
Tully shook his head "This is the last recorded image of the FSS Hallaja before we lost contact. They were a Kestrel-Class cruiser on assignment to deliver important intel here that may turn the tide of battle. This distress call was several days ago."
The recording cut back to a scene of somewhat less horror. A woman could be seen sobbing softly into the voice recorder. "This is Ensign Mary of the FSS Hallaja! We are in a state of emergency right now!"
She glanced at the doors to the room she was in as a loud sparking sound could be heard, as if someone was running a blowtorch on the doors.
"Our hull is barely holding together and the Rebels are knocking on our doors! They've already boarded and murdered the Captain! I'm holding the line, but honestly, we're screwed! Game over man!"
After this statement, she broke down crying "I don't want to die! I can't take this any more! It's not my fault! I never wanted to be a part of this!"
Sadness turned into fury "I was drafted into this suicide mission! Why must I be..."
Her sentence was cut off as the doors were blown wide open and air hissed out of the room. Several Rebel soldiers stormed in, guns blazing before the transmission stopped.
The officers in the room were at an uproar. Tully sighed and said "Do not fret. We have another ship on its way. We must hope they fare better on their dangerous assignment..."
Insert introduction to that ship here. Or insert Ensign Mary on the crippled ship lying at the helm, rifle in hand atop a pile of Rebel corpses, making a snide remark (Rebels? Here's my rebellion!) or a horrified "They'll all die!" before engaging the FTL drive and escaping.
----------------------------
Now I feel bad.
Umm... I recommend Ghosts of the Federation for some inspiration? I know it inspired me to write FTL fanfic.
There are so many ways this can go because as of right now, it's another one of those "Oh great, another distress call story. Cheap tragedy, little payoff." It's like reading the Ugly Barnacle.
"Once there was a Federation ship named the FSS Hallaja. It was boarded by Rebels and everyone died. The end."
I dunno, give me someone's viewpoint. Are a bunch of officers in a war room reviewing a series of distress messages with the same pattern and talking about the horrors of war or is it a story of enduring hope where the crew fends off the Rebel assault at 1HP, jumps away from the system and begins a slow process of recovery?
Because I'm bored and in a creative mood, I hope you don't mind if I take a stab at it:
---------------------
Admiral Tully sat in his war room with the other Federation officers. Displayed on the big board was a scene of horror - a still image of a Federation soldier fighting off orange jumpsuited Humans with rifles.
Captain Rebekah of the Swallow was the first to comment "Sir, what are we looking at? I've seen worse horrors at a spider's nest. Now that was no joke."
Tully shook his head "This is the last recorded image of the FSS Hallaja before we lost contact. They were a Kestrel-Class cruiser on assignment to deliver important intel here that may turn the tide of battle. This distress call was several days ago."
The recording cut back to a scene of somewhat less horror. A woman could be seen sobbing softly into the voice recorder. "This is Ensign Mary of the FSS Hallaja! We are in a state of emergency right now!"
She glanced at the doors to the room she was in as a loud sparking sound could be heard, as if someone was running a blowtorch on the doors.
"Our hull is barely holding together and the Rebels are knocking on our doors! They've already boarded and murdered the Captain! I'm holding the line, but honestly, we're screwed! Game over man!"
After this statement, she broke down crying "I don't want to die! I can't take this any more! It's not my fault! I never wanted to be a part of this!"
Sadness turned into fury "I was drafted into this suicide mission! Why must I be..."
Her sentence was cut off as the doors were blown wide open and air hissed out of the room. Several Rebel soldiers stormed in, guns blazing before the transmission stopped.
The officers in the room were at an uproar. Tully sighed and said "Do not fret. We have another ship on its way. We must hope they fare better on their dangerous assignment..."
Insert introduction to that ship here. Or insert Ensign Mary on the crippled ship lying at the helm, rifle in hand atop a pile of Rebel corpses, making a snide remark (Rebels? Here's my rebellion!) or a horrified "They'll all die!" before engaging the FTL drive and escaping.
----------------------------
Now I feel bad.
Umm... I recommend Ghosts of the Federation for some inspiration? I know it inspired me to write FTL fanfic.
-
FSS-killemdead
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2015 1:42 am
Re: Tuning Out.
Thank you so much! I'm not the best writer but I needed this someone who has some experience with this kinda thing oh and just giggles and hahas check out breath if you haven't already.
-
stylesrj
- Posts: 3644
- Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2014 7:54 am
Re: Tuning Out.
FSS-killemdead wrote:Thank you so much! I'm not the best writer but I needed this someone who has some experience with this kinda thing oh and just giggles and hahas check out breath if you haven't already.
No problem.
Reading other fanfics is a good way to get started with your own.
Although last time I gave out fanfic advice to an aspiring writer, the other guy literally vanished - all his posts just disappeared
