FTL Towel Boy for Hire

[FTLTowelBoy]

Currently seeking full time employment as a crew dude on a kick-ass ship with an awesome capt. Preferably with a sauna, steam room or pool on board the Man of War. I have loads of experience handling all types of towels. I specialize in pulling them outta the dryer, folding and stacking. But I can also go around the ship and pick up used towels and get them cleaned like new (almost).

I prefer my own room but willing to bunk with the right guy. But not some old dude who is flabby and has hairs growing outta his ear and stuff.

References available on request - but I'm really trustworthy so you can believe I'm telling the truth. At least that's what my mom says. My older brother doesn't ever believe me- but he's a complete moron jock who thinks he's gawd's gift to female Slug. I mean, he is super hot, but I don't know how girls put up with his moronism.

Thanks for your consideration.

FTLTowelBoy
Abandoned Sector 7
69 Staydri Lane, Nubile Nebula
(direct) 5230+99-7291
FTLTowelBoy@multiuniverse.higgs

[DarkPhoenix141]

Seems totally legit.

[stylesrj]

Dear Foolish Meatsack, FTL Towelboy

After much consideration about what slaves we need... I mean crew, we have determined that we can fit you on a ship suited to your skills.
The Federation Cruiser Basilisk recently suffered a setback involving several filthy meatsack boarders I mean Rebels and the slave pits... washing machine and dryer have never been the same.

You are to report to the Basilisk in Hanger 7 at Gamma Station in Mantis-Controlled space at 0800 hours tomorrow. You will report to Captain Kwarrzak who is in no way in his position due to nepotism. He earned it in fire and blood... I mean earned it respectfully through hard work and valour and by killing a lot of foolish meatsacks, I mean he led men into battle...

Regards,
Totally Federation Command. Like not the Mantises or anything.

*Bloodstains and several clawmarks signature*

P.S. This is legit and not like a Mantis trap. We need slaves... I mean towelboys... yeah. Bring ketchup.

[Tharsis]

Towel boys not required.

Sincerely,
10011011110100100101101101

[DarkPhoenix141]

This all seems all too legit.

[FSS-killemdead]

lol staydri lane

[agigabyte]

Hmm... The Archon could use a towel boy. Report to system Eta Eridani, planet Frontier at the main station, bar one, 1800 hours in two days. Sincerely, Former Vice Admiral Dire Wolf.

Note: Do not trust the other response, they are Mantis slavers.

[stylesrj]

Dear Weakling Meatsack Warrior Leader,

Mantis Slavers? What are you playing at meatsack? We are legitimate Federation officers wanting fresh meat... to manage our towel supply for the Basilisk.
If anything you are the foolish meatsacks trying to enslave our future slave... I mean towel boy!

Regards,
Totally Federation Command. Like not the Mantises or anything.

[agigabyte]

Ha! Even if you were Fed command my fleet could bypass all your defenses and destroy you!

To towel boy: Notice the usage of slave and meatsack.

Sincerely, Supreme Fleet Admiral Dire Wolf.

[stylesrj]

Dear Inferior Meatsack

This is the Admiral leader meatsack of the Federation, Tolly. You will not hinder the Basilisk's efforts to acquire fresh meat for their laundry work.
Don't make me slay you, meatsack.

Regards,
Definitely Leader Enemy Boss of Federation, and not Mantises impersonating him