Project Carma

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Cooper Witzke
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Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 6:54 pm

Project Carma

Postby Cooper Witzke » Fri Dec 23, 2016 4:25 am

(Project FTL is a project i'm working on. Me and my friend caden play a game called FTL: Faster Than Light. This is a project where i will make many MANY episodic stories. This is all for caden. Me and him loved the game so much that… we basically wanted to make a movie out of it. Well caden here you are. Sure it's not on a screen or hologram. But heck it's at least the entire plot we thought of. I did make a few tweaks here and there, but hey. We thought of this together (mostly you.) so i thought i could add some things in. oh by the way. If i share this with you and you want NO part in it. It's fine. I mean the only socialization i've had with you was “hi” and “Sup”. so hey. If you didn't like me back then just come honestly with me. I might have a litt- no me- no big breakdown. But don't worry. It was fun while it lasted. So.. now for the other option for you. If you've been feeling the same way, or love that i'm making and dedicating this to you. Than could we please just talk..? Ever since a couple days before open house i noticed that your steam account was gone. And when we headed to open house and i saw you i wanted to talk. My ADHD kicked in and started making my instincts to say not to. I just really want to talk to you again. You were the only REAL friend i had. One i could sit down and talk about my favorite game to. So this has been going on for awhile so i'm just gonna head. But if i do share this with you. At Least say something.)




Chapter one. Galaxy Date: 2256, Cruiser 1.0.9.9. Caden “Laser” Federation AI 89 Fighter Craft.




Space. The endless city of stars and galaxies. Strange. Caden himself even finds it strange. Before his thoughts are interrupted by his squad leader. “We are moving out in five minutes.” a sigh is met by all the pilots in the docking bay.

He thought it was amazing to finally get out into the action. The rebels won't know what's coming for them. He lied about his age just to get past basic training. He was 17 when he was to post to be 20. He climbs into the cockpit and makes his way out into space. “Ai 89s we are leaving this sector. God be with ya.” the cruiser officer says.
The cruiser has a bright beam fly over it before it fades as it flies over. It makes a looming sound before it launches out of the sector. Caden flies in formation as they beam away to another beacon. They are met with resistance. PEW PEW lasers fly past his cockpit as he holds on tightly. Before he knows it his squad commanders ship blows into pieces. Same with all of his squadron. He's alone…

Caden feels a burning rage inside of him. He goes full throttle and flies down for a strafing run. He fires off his 1 maul beam into the cruiser. He watches as a muted explosion tears off part of the ship. A rebel fight suddenly locks on to him! He swerves left and right and manages to get behind the fighter.

He fires off his basic lasers and destroys the ship. Luckily there is only 1 cruiser in the system he is fighting in. he goes down for another strafing run. A sharp sound that sounds like death itself vibrates through the fighter as He fires all of his weapons and takes off chunks of the ship. The muted explosions tear off the command deck. He had made a direct hit with his maul beam to their ftl reactor.

It explodes with no sound. No sound in space. The area is clear. Caden uses his last ftl fuel to jump to the fleet.


Stars beam past the cockpit as he enters deep space. Damn. caden had hoped the fleet would be here. They aren't. But someone beams in.

“Well well well..” says the strange voice. Its a odd mix of zoltan and human. Pirates? No. these ships have bright white hull color and electric lime lining. “We got ourselves some terrorists boys!” he says. Caden is surrounded by the colored ships. Every ship is locked on.

But caden has a plan. “Why don't w-” caden releases a HUGE emp blast. Every single ship shuts down. Caden states: “this is Pilot caden of the federation. Please stand down and await further instructions.” he mocks them.

⅓ of the federation fleet beams in. caden boards one of the strange hostile vessels. The biggest of them all. A odd ship. A huge ship with massive shields. As Well as a zoltan shield. The vessel has the angel wing type back from the lanius.

Its white and green like the others. He walks through the halls to be met with tons of armed crew. All aiming their weapons at him. “Drop the laser!” screams the squad leader. Caden does so. “Move aside..” says the strange voice from before. He sees him. He's not wearing any armour. Besides some leather. His weapon is even weirder.

It's not a gun,laser,beam. It's a freaking SWORD! A very customized one in fact! Plasma glimmers down in between the blade of it. Strange liquid shines inside the hilt.

The plasma is electric lime, but everything else is white. He also wears a mask with a white visor. “Your brave. Travelling this far even though it's in our territory!” he scolds caden.

“You should've thought before you attack Jo-” caden interrupts him. “Wait what? We never attacked you or your friends! The rebels attack Jomi!” caden scolds him back. The swordsman steps back in shock. “Lower the weapons..” he says. He flings his sword around and sheathes it. “Were good, federation pilot..for now.” he signals for his soldiers to leave. Caden calls off the fleet, Saying it was all a misunderstanding.

as the strange person walks away.


(3 years later)

Ace Pilot Caden “Laser” Cruiser 1.0.9.9 Galaxy Date: 2259

The barren planet known as”Khazars Oil” Belongs to a cartel of humans and slugs selling oil to fellow slugs. Half of the planet is literally oil. copper took over fuel gas giants. But before they could take over the rest of the rebel sector. They kinda got attacked. And half of coppers fleet was destroyed. Copper is now at a major assault on the planet “Malket” which is a trade outpost for rebels. Caden is helping copper attack the planet.

The giant space battle is raging. Caden shoots down several automated drone fighters. But one grabs on to his ship. It tears out life support and many other things before caden can figure out what is happening. His fighter careens into the slim white moon orbiting the planet. Caden struggles with his large breathing suit before jumping out of his craft. A rebel soldier wearing a small breathing suit tackles him in the moon's low grav. Smashing cadens back into his downed fighter. Caden struggles and manages to pull off the guy's mask. He chokes and gags in the air. And his face begins to freeze. He dies quickly. Copper speaks to him over the comm unit. “Caden! Are you alright!?” he seems concerned his radio, like voice with static coming over it. Caden reassures him by saying he's fine. And he beams to the ground with the mobile tper. The ground is a battlefield on mallet . Soldiers are in hand to hand combat and shooting. Mantis war lords are impaling people with their arm blades, leaving them to bleed to death. Copper meets caden. He slices a soldier in half as he tries to charge towards copper. “Caden! Did you take care of the fleet?” caden points up at a bunch of debris from the detonated ships breaking through the atmosphere. Copper gazes up. It glimmers in his mask visor. “good. “ he puts his fingers up to his ear as he logs into the comms control. “Send in the transports. The fleet is down.” caden nods. As he and copper runoff.

Ace Pilot Caden “Laser” Malket Galaxy Date: 2259


“Those rebels are right on our tails. commander” copper says through his mask. “We've already spotted multiple ships on course right now!” he protests. He had made a ridiculous plan to move an entire asteroid field over. Making a circular ring around the planet. To protect it from the rebels of course.
“This planet is too valuable! We can't risk it being destroyed!” caden finally speaks up to calm the group of commander down. “Sir if i may protest.. We have enough ships to defend this planet.” he says under his breath. Copper and the commander step back in surprise. Knowing that this is coming from a PILOT?

How stupid they have been to forget that they have an entire fleet at their disposal. “And if we can't hold off.. We simply abandon and try again next time.. Its simple!” caden says boldly. His plan is correct. Half of the fleet heading to Malket are transport ships. There are more than enough troops onboard a single rebel transport ship that can take it. They simply need to destroy the ships.

Copper and caden blast off. “Fuel mixture on, Engines: operational.” caden and copper check their ships before take off. They short ftl to the moon, And see the giant fleet of ships awaiting them… Planetary defense systems begin to pound the ships. Several of the ships exploding. Heavy cruisers begin to release their fighters. Cruiser support jumps in, The bright white light hovering over the giant ships, making them slowly fade into vision.

“Target the transports!” Copper yells from the comm line. Defense turrets start firing. Beams of bright green light flies past cadens cockpit. The slim turrets firing. Their barrels jolting back with each beam being fired. Copper And Caden’s slim fighter’s dodge the beams. Caden fire’s his main cannon.

Ripping apart a transport as he flies under it, yellow and blue fuel tanks explode. But the transport is still standing in his path. He flies over the transport, going in for another strafing run. The Federation cruisers get into range and fire ASB at Rebel cruisers. Several of them being torn apart by rebel tech. Caden looks up and sees the destruction. The dark gloomy shadow of the transport covers his ship as he prepares every weapon he has.


He spots the reactor room, or at least he thinks he does. He fires his 2 rockets at it. The self oxidising fuel burns. Propelling the rockets, they hit their target the explosion lightens up caden’s cockpit. A piece of debris cracks the cockpit. “Crap!” caden nearly jumps when it collides. The crack seems to get larger and larger.



The fighters emergency systems go crazy. A sound screeches loudly as cadens pilot chair goes backwards. A emergency space suit clamps onto him. Caden quickly puts it on. Its standard federation white base and orange stripes on his arms. The space suit is conveniently heavy. (it looks like the mars suit from The Martian but larger and with more equipment)



Suddenly, the cockpit window shatter’s making a crash sound almost instantly muted by space. Caden is ejected. Hearing coppers panicked voice from the comm’s unit. He twirls around. As he forgot his EVA pack. Suddenly something hits him in the back. It's a rebel cruiser.

Exterior turrets aimed right at his body..




Ace Pilot, Caden “Laser” UNKNOWN,Galaxy Date:2259


Caden jerks at his cell bars. “Could i atleast have something to eat?” he yells across the empty cell block to a guard. “No. Shut up.” the guard says. His blue visor shining. “But what if i have to go?” caden yell’s again to the guard. The guard wines in annoyance. He sits on his jail bed. Pipe’s leak, causing water to drip down onto caden. Suddenly. A jerk signals the opening of a door. “Oh , yes hello sir!” the guard from before says. Instantly standing in attention. A strange figure walks forward. He finally comes into view. His entire top half of his face seems to be replaced with cyborg parts. Same with one of his arms and both of his legs. “Who even are you?” caden says to the strange figure. “Hello. Brother.” the figure says. Caden laughs “i don't have a brother you idiot!” he says while laughing. “Then our parents hid you from me.” the figure says. Suddenly. Something comes over the ship intercom. “This is Copper of the high command of the Cormack Solima, everyone in your cockpit is cowering in fear, we have them hostage. 59 Cormack ships surround you. Hand over the kid or we will get him ourselves and destroy this well armed ship.” Copper says over the intercom. The figure steps back and sighs. (The Cormack Solima is coppers own faction. Its one of the best in the galaxy) copper’s highly trained men burst into the room. The guard almost instantly puts his hand up. The figure slowly does it aswell.



C^d@! Rebel City On Shurma Moon, Galaxy Date: ??????????

“Caden, Remember You Are SPECIAL” a person says in C^D@!’s ear, the person is oddly familiar.. Caden looks out the window, heavy riots are happening outside, poison gas flys up into the air. “Soon we will be back inside rebel space, and you will be with me.” wait what? Suddenly, a federation ship bursts through the walls. Hitting the suspicious character and knocking him into a wall. “Grab the kid! Move Move!” a soldier says. A federation office- wait no.. Its, General Turzil..


Ace Pilot Caden “Laser” Cruiser, “White Flight” Galaxy Date: 2259


Caden jerks awake. Breathing heavily. He climbs out of his cot. Scratching his head at what he just saw.. What was that? He puts on his standard high ranking Pilot uniform. He presses his life borne button: “Heart Rate Fast.” No kidding, his heart feels like its burrowing through his chest. Copper burst through the door. “Caden are you alright..?” he says. “Im..fine.” Caden says, “Me and my crew heard ya screaming bloody murder..” copper says, caden can almost see how worried he is through his mask visor.


“I had a strange dream… it was like i was being dragged away from a rebel officer.. A couple seconds later i was in the arms of general turzil..” caden says. “Listen, if ya need anything, tell me alright? I'm your friend caden.” cooper says.

Captain Caden “Laser”, Promotion Room, 2259

Caden Was Promoted After The Battle Of Malket, He Was Now A Captain, strangely he never got promoted to anything below that first.. He just went straight to captain. “Caden, as your duty as a captain you will have to choose a new ship to fly.” a officer says. After an hour of ships being shown he finally picks one.

It was one of the elite fighters. Capable of hovering and had enough burst laser mark 3’s to tear a cruiser in half. It also had Ion weapons, which was great. “Let's take er for a spin.” Caden says nearly drooling. The fighter had wings that were tipped forward. And its color was silver with standard federation white and orange. All of the colors were chrome.

The fighter flew fast. The cockpit as fancy as it could be. With protective shielding on the Space Shield for when you're flying past suns. It also came with a full long range FTL jump.


Captain Caden “Laser”, In Orbit Around Gas Giant “Floris”, Fleet 9017, 2260.

“Happy New Year!” the entire crew shouts over the holo coms. It's a great day for the federation. Today a great battle will take place. With the help of the Cormack, The federation is going head on into the enemy's main fleet. “Alright Everyone, battle stations, we are heading for the fleet!” says the leading ships captain. A bright beam of light passes over the ships. Complete whiteness is all caden can see for a split second before being transported to the fleet. The second he arrives all he can see is ships going up and down and left and right.


It almost makes him dizzy. Caden swerves in with his advanced fighter. He comes alongside a ugly rebel destroyer. He dodges red and blue laser beams as they swerve past his ship. He Rolls Over And Gets Behind The Command Room. A Rebel Soldier Runs From The Space Shield. He Knows What Will Happen. Caden Fires His Ion Weapons. Hitting The Main Power Distributer.


It seems as if the ship was just hit in the head with a brick as its power goes black. “Alright, Get the boarding frigates over here!” caden says through the comms. Several frigates arrive, they look blocky and their command room is literally a cube.


Several pods launch from the frigates latching onto the side of the rebel ships. Sparks fly from under them. The fly back from the ship, and deploy a large corridor that is long and cubical. Several boarding drones wheel through there. Laser beams light up the room they entered.


“We’ll Clear Em Out Captain Caden, You Go And Take Some Ships Out.” says the captain of one of the frigates. Caden flies away towards another target. This ship is a bulky fast and agile Submercer. A Submercer is mainly meant for Cruiser Attacks.


Caden Gets into sight, the submercer spots caden and begins to try and get behind him. After swerving for what felt like an hour. The Submercer finally gets behind caden, it fires its heavy proton lasers. “Caden! Ya got one your Tail!” Copper shouts over the comms. “DO YOU THINK I DON'T SEE IT?” Caden shouts through.


Something They Showed Caden In A training course to fly the new fighter was a trick. Caden adjusts the speed levels and auto assist. He deactivates the shields. “Alright Hit me!” he screams. The Submercer hits cadens ship right in the back. Cadens ship spins out of control. The Submercer thinking it scored a kill uppers its thrust and flies over caden, right when he was looking up…

Caden fires his burst lasers directly into the bottom of the Submercer. Tearing it straight in half.

“WOOHOO!” caden yells. “Nice shot C!” Copper yells over the comms. But Something felt off to caden, The oxygen in the fighter's cockpit began to get thinner. Something pops up in the hud. “OXYGEN CRITICAL” it showed a display with the oxygen percent, It was dropping fast.


Captain Caden “Laser”, 2nd Battle Of The Flouze,
2260

“Copper!” Caden Says through the comms. “My oxygen is going down what did that guy hit?” he says. Looking around the cockpit. He looks in the back view Camera, Coppers Heavy cruiser is coming up behind it. “You got a direct hit to the oxygen condenser bud..” Copper Says. Caden curses. He punches a button in the Top Left Side of the cockpit. A oxygen mask and tank drops down. The mask and the tank are perfectly attached. He slips on the mask. Fresh air..


“Caden my engineers are ready to quickly repair that fighter!” he says. Caden agrees and heads into the docking bay of the cruiser. Several engineers rush up to the fighter. And begin to replace the condenser.

Caden spots something speeding into the docking bay, it's heavily damaged and in heavy need of repairs, it's an elite fighter like his. It lights up like a fireball as it crash lands into landing pads.


The cockpit pops off and someone jumps from it, “Woohoo!” the man says flying through the air. His fun is quickly over as a rib breaking fall hits him. “Oof!” he shouts he holds onto his ribs.

Caden runs up to him, while the engineers keep working. “You alright pilot?” he says, “Nothing that a vodka couldn't fix,” he says in a very middle age matter of fact russian accent. Caden helps him up. The man looks across the pads and spots his fighter.

“Aww Большой!” he screams, one of his words in russian. “She did fly better than 4th wife,” he says jokingly. “That fighter, it's an elite, are you captain?” caden says to him. The pilot nods towards caden, caden gets back on comms after previously turning it off. “All rebel cruisers, we need a spare elite, got one?” caden asks through the comms. “On its way,” a captain says. Caden looks through the visor screen, debris and laser fire is everywhere.


“Ay, pilot you're pretty good out there, we should fly together sometime.” the russian says. He explains his name is Niko. “Condenser is fixed sir! It seems they have stopped firing!” one of the engineers say. Caden boards his craft and blasts through the visor screens.

The engineer was right. The federation and the rebels are hunched down. Using telo pods to move the debris into a defensive wall. Like trenches, like the first earth war.


Captain Caden “Laser”, Ceasefire At Flouze,
2260


It's been 21 days since the 2nd battle, the rebels and the federation are both weak. They both know that if they don't do anything. The other side will attack, or they will starve. Deep Debris Filled Space provides cover. The “Ship Trenches” are made from scrap.


The two sides are practically trading for food now. Even though they are enemies. “I heard general Turzil has ordered a full attack in an hour.” says one of the crewmen aboard the comms ship that broadcasts music. Suddenly static hits the comms. A huge ion wave hits the federation fleet. Cadens ship is stunned and is a floating hunk of metal now. After 50 seconds or so it finally switches on. Caden looks towards the enemy “Trenches” but something is blotting it out..


It's like hundreds of meteorites going ftl with a smoking trail behind it. The entire rebel fleet jumps in. people over the comms are going crazy, the only thing caden can hear is his ships engine and the comms. Caden gets his wits back and charges towards a frigate. Firing everything he has. Blowing off the command deck and doing severe damage to the engine. The self oxidising fuel for the frigate is burning within the depths of the debris. As caden flies away. The frigates ftl reactor ignites.

Blowing the ship to shreds.


Captain Caden “Laser”, 23nd Battle Of The Flouze,
2260


The federation fleet finally recovers from the ion wave. Lasers and rockets fly everywhere.
Last edited by Cooper Witzke on Fri Feb 03, 2017 7:31 pm, edited 13 times in total.
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Re: Project Carma

Postby I_am_person » Fri Dec 23, 2016 5:29 am

Well, if you truly want to improve, I'll say two things upfront.

One thing that I immediately notice is the use of things like, "KAPOW" and "PEW PEW PEW". Now, I'm not saying that that's a terrible thing to do, but what I've noticed from reading other people's fanfictions(as well as my earlier ones, admittedly), is that it just makes the whole piece look kind of amateur. Instead of saying, "KAPOW" or, "PEW PEW PEW", try to explain the sound/thing a bit more and in depth. For example, instead of using KAPOW to describe the ship jumping out of the hangar, say something like, "With an electronic whoosh, the ship warped out." Now, don't get me wrong, it's not going to ruin your writing; but lemme just say, I bet you've never seen, "PEW" in a novel before.

Another thing I noticed is the lack of consistent description. While it's all fine and dandy to only describe the major things like the ship that he boards, it's important to allow the reader to see everything clearly. Especially if you want to make a movie out of this. You wouldn't want a crappy director making it look totally different than you wanted it to, right? Now, I know that in your head, you can probably visualize each laser shot flying through space. But the thing is, we're not you, and writing is for the readers as much as the writers. Sometimes, writers do this thing where THEY can see the picture clearly in their heads, so they don't give enough detail for the reader. It happens to the best of us.

Since I don't have time to say everything I want to say right now I'll give you some advice. Read everything that you wrote out loud at least two times. I suggest you do that with this, too. You'll be amazed at how many things you catch by doing so, and you'll be amazed at how much more professional and clear it is the second time you read it. I'll get back to you on everything else later.

Hope this helped so far!
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Cooper Witzke
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Re: Project Carma

Postby Cooper Witzke » Fri Dec 23, 2016 3:17 pm

Thanks!
The Sword's Plasma Glimmers In The Night Sky.
Cooper Witzke
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Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 6:54 pm

Re: Project Carma

Postby Cooper Witzke » Fri Dec 23, 2016 3:42 pm

ill be getting right on fixing that once i get out of break! thanks so much!
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Re: Project Carma

Postby I_am_person » Sat Dec 24, 2016 5:35 am

Question. Can I comment a bit on the plot?
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Re: Project Carma

Postby Cooper Witzke » Sat Dec 24, 2016 6:06 pm

I guess so. Me and Caden only talked about certain parts. So I kinda made it up as I go. (Besides the parts we talked about.) and HE was the creative one. I'm currently going over what I have.
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Cooper Witzke
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Re: Project Carma

Postby Cooper Witzke » Sat Dec 24, 2016 6:08 pm

Oh and me and Caden are young. So if it seems stale now you know why. I really want this project to work. Ever since me and him played FTL.
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Re: Project Carma

Postby I_am_person » Sat Dec 24, 2016 6:57 pm

Well, no not that it's stale. While it's a little random, in my opinion one thing that you should work on is giving your character a hero mentality. It just follows one guy who goes on and does things. Now, while this is totally fine if you can make it work, giving dialogue to... I don't know, other crew members on the ship would make it a bit more interesting. Because as it is now it's one guy doing random things but if you added a few more main characters I think it would spice it up.
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Re: Project Carma

Postby Cooper Witzke » Sun Dec 25, 2016 1:12 am

We'll remember this is the beginning of the beginning. There will be much more characters soon.
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Re: Project Carma

Postby I_am_person » Sun Dec 25, 2016 7:38 am

Okay. I understand that. It makes sense. But another thing. While it's yours and only your story, try not to God-mod your characters. For example, when Caden calls in 1/3 of the fleet as somebody who's merely a fighter pilot, it seems kind of out-of character. While it's okay to make some convenient situations for characters to keep them alive or advance the plot or something, try to make some more reasonable explanations for things like what I mentioned above.
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