FTL: Pirates of the Universe Part 0: Pilot

Have a great FTL experience you would like to share? Post here!
therunawaybros615
Posts: 51
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:57 pm

FTL: Pirates of the Universe Part 0: Pilot

Postby therunawaybros615 » Sat Oct 13, 2012 12:14 am

I am Jonathon Culathen. I was a former pirate, until the day my life changed. The event was unexpected and unusual. This is the story of how my life changed forever.

I was a pirate on duty. I had enslaved many humans and Rockmen, most likely out of greed. I also destroyed many ships who would try and do the same. I was infamous throughout the galaxy. However, I was also friendly. Sometimes, i wouldn't give any tolls or sell my slaves. I even treated my slaves as if they were my family. I never told anyone that I had. Not even the leader of the pirates. So I was an infamous pirate, but I wasn't completely infamous. Of course, this was before the day it happened.


I was doing my job, until I came across a federation cruiser, which was abandoned. Federation Ship? There's still some remaining?, I thought. The Federation was falling. It was a time of war. The Rebellion had nearly destroyed all of the Federation. The last fleet is stationed at an unknown Sector. It was uncharted on every star chart. But I have known one thing: It was dangerous there. Very dangerous. So I was about to examine this ship for scrap, until it happened. Something had popped up on my CPU: There was a virus. But it wasn't only a virus. It was intelligence. From the Federation. I was shocked.

"Intelligence..........From the Federation............AND I HAVE IT!?", I said. I couldn't believe what I had. But right as I had spoken,I immediately received warnings. "ALERT! REBELLION JUMPING TOWARDS CURRENT LOCATION!" "WARNING! REBEL FLEET APPROACHING!"

I no longer had time to think about the intel. I had to jump. For my life. So this starts my legendary adventure to save the Federation.


( Did you like the pilot? Tell me if you want me to continue! Thanks!)
Last edited by therunawaybros615 on Thu Oct 18, 2012 10:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I will bring PEACE! FREEDOM! JUSTICE! And SECURITY to my new empire! ~Anakin Skywalker
Steam Profile
SushaBrancaleone
Posts: 104
Joined: Mon Oct 01, 2012 2:23 pm

Re: FTL: Pirates of the Universe Part 0: Pilot

Postby SushaBrancaleone » Sat Oct 13, 2012 4:32 pm

you clearly care about having a back story for your character, however;
getting there is more than than having got there. or more down to earth fucking is much better then having fucked.

having your character start out as an already accomplished pirate counters against your intention of providing a back story, as the first question the reader asks himself is, how did he become a pirate captain?

also little is provided about his intentions and desires. we know about his past but we dont know about him. If you want to leave it wrapped in a mysterious aura then you should work on encouraging the readers curiosity about the character providing them with more questions to ask about his past, you can only do this by providing more input but without providing solutions/answers. eg "he was the only survivor of the battle of gilgamesh VII" begs you to ask, well how did he survive.


hope this was helpful, narration is a continuous work in progress, keep at it :)
therunawaybros615
Posts: 51
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:57 pm

Re: FTL: Pirates of the Universe Part 0: Pilot

Postby therunawaybros615 » Sat Oct 13, 2012 10:18 pm

SushaBrancaleone wrote:you clearly care about having a back story for your character, however;
getting there is more than than having got there. or more down to earth fucking is much better then having fucked.

having your character start out as an already accomplished pirate counters against your intention of providing a back story, as the first question the reader asks himself is, how did he become a pirate captain?

also little is provided about his intentions and desires. we know about his past but we dont know about him. If you want to leave it wrapped in a mysterious aura then you should work on encouraging the readers curiosity about the character providing them with more questions to ask about his past, you can only do this by providing more input but without providing solutions/answers. eg "he was the only survivor of the battle of gilgamesh VII" begs you to ask, well how did he survive.


hope this was helpful, narration is a continuous work in progress, keep at it :)


Thanks for the tip mate!

You see, I'm saving more of the backstory for future parts. It'll make the story more interesting. So you'll know more about this bitter yet friendly pirate.
I will bring PEACE! FREEDOM! JUSTICE! And SECURITY to my new empire! ~Anakin Skywalker
Steam Profile
SushaBrancaleone
Posts: 104
Joined: Mon Oct 01, 2012 2:23 pm

Re: FTL: Pirates of the Universe Part 0: Pilot

Postby SushaBrancaleone » Sun Oct 14, 2012 12:34 am

doing some research always helps when narrating.

are you familiar with captain harlock? japanese cartoon from the 80s about a space pirate captain
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Pira ... in_Harlock

check out his bio and how its written. Its also good to choose a style (maybe one that fits your story) first person, in the past, in the present? what kind of language? what i find helps with this is reading a couple pages of a style you like and then start writing immediately after

to get into the mentality of a pirate you could do some reading about pirates. choose one you like and work on it. dont be afraid to break stereotypes, after all captain hook (from peter pan) was a caricature of a Eaton school, and while in reality no pirate had that kind of background, Captain Hook is by definition the pirates stereotype.

Be bold :)
SushaBrancaleone
Posts: 104
Joined: Mon Oct 01, 2012 2:23 pm

Re: FTL: Pirates of the Universe Part 0: Pilot

Postby SushaBrancaleone » Sun Oct 14, 2012 12:40 am

some more advice if i may.

when it comes to fantasy and sci fi, many think "old english" and lengthy descriptions will do the trick. the reason this is, is because Lord of the rings has been the mecca of fantasy writing for more than half a century. The problem is Tolkein started creating a world into which to set his story since he was 15, and when he pubblished every family in his three books had detailed family trees and back story. Dont try and compete with tolkein on his ground my advice is. Also tolkein was a professor of litterature and his mastery of the language was admirable. If you want to beat him on his turf you need to dedicate a life to creating a background world and write like a .. demigod.

the alternative is using different approaches. try writing some fantasy in a js hinton style that could be fresh
UglyMug
Posts: 46
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:09 am

Re: FTL: Pirates of the Universe Part 0: Pilot

Postby UglyMug » Wed Oct 17, 2012 3:23 am

Your sentence structure is too repetitive. It's an easy trap to fall into when writing first-person.

Check this out:

I was a pirate on duty. I had slaved many humans and Rockmen, most likely out of greed. I also destroyed many ships who would try and do the same. I was infamous throughout the galaxy. However, I was also friendly.


I was... ; I had slaved ... ; I destroyed...; I was...; I was...

That's your subject and verb for those five sentences. It's too repetitive. Also, the word is "enslaved" not "slaved".

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests