A Great Story (CHAPTER 2 IS OUT)

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sweg
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2014 11:53 pm

A Great Story (CHAPTER 2 IS OUT)

Postby sweg » Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:53 am

Hi, im about to tell you a story about the crystal and rock flagship and the captains. By the way im new on the fourms, so if you hate then I wont really care because... Haters gonna hate.

(STORY START)


CHAPTER ONE

Once upon a time, the rock were losing the war against just about everybody, rebels, engis, etc.

They tried to find a solution, then one day they met the crystal race. The crystal were nice people, they had trade routes with the rock, and they thought they had made a great choice.

But one day a trade ship didn't arrive into the crystal docks, and instead a rebel ship did. The crystal tried to communicate, but they wouldn't. Finally the crystal saw the rebels get their guns out. The crystal dock had multiple crystal scouts around it, but the nearest one was a pirate aggressor (A plane that disguises as an enemy) so the incognito crystal scout that was acting as a pirate unholstered its bombs and crystal guns, and fired at the rebel, guns blazing. The rebel was destroyed, but something strange was found, there were multiple cargo boxes with rock markings on them and some familiar rock people the crystal had seen before. Although one rock was alive, the crystal immediately moved into action to rescue him.

(3 HOURS LATER)

The rock woke up, in a chair with a familiar crystal captain at the other side of the metal table, the rock had a meal on his side of the table, and the crystal softly said, "Sir, what happened back there?" with the rock crewman barely able to speak, he replied "Rebel... Flagship... Alliance... Zoltan... Engi... everybody... no federation..." the crystal translated it. The Federation was gone, destroyed.

(MEANWHILE AT A REBEL DOCKING STATION)

"Hey! Zach! The Zoltan require some Ion Weapons for the new flagship!" The rebel crewman replied "Aye, capn'!"
(THE SHIP LAUNCHES OFF THE DOCKING STATION)
"Hey captain, is she fueled up?"
"Yes, Zach."
"Alright, good."
"Hey Zach, you were at the unknown docking station, spying. What happened there?"
"Im afraid that's classified captain."
"Alright. (Chuckles)"
"Oh dang, captain!"
"Yes Zach?"
"Uhhh, we got an unknown piece of debris flying towards us at approximately... 70,000mph!"
"Well?"
"Its on a collision course with us!"
"Zach, move the ship to-"

(DEBRIS HITS SHIP AND CREATES A LARGE RUMBLE)

"CAPTAIN! WEAPONS AND CLOAKING IS OUT!"
"Calm down, Zach. We can get it fixed."
"Ok captain, who should we send?"
"Lets send our last 2 engies on this ship."

(20 MINUTES LATER)

"This is the zoltan flagship construction bay, you are entering restricted area, please identify yourself."
"Uhh, this is Zach from the RPS Rage, sending supplies to you from rebel docking bay #48."
"Searching database... Aha! RPS Rage, you are authorized to enter."
"Thank you, sir."

(ENTERS FLAGSHIP CONSTRUCTION BAY)
"What do you have for us today, Zach?"
"Haha, well, I got some weapons here for your flagship."
"Do they need to be assembled into one?"
"Yes, its a missile generator, but requires hacking to be up."
"How do missile generators have to do anything with hacking?"
"Well, you hack your missiles to create a projected missile with collision, so a hologram missile that collides."
"Well, that should do some good."
"It can shut down systems."

(ZACH WALKS AWAY WHEN)

"Wait, Zach!"
"Yes?"
"What happened to the rock, we have seen no trade routes or rock ships."
"We don't know yet."

(BACK AT THE CRYSTAL BOARDING STATION WHILE A ROCK SHIP DOCKS)

The rock crew steps down from the ships stairs

"Hello, crystal. We meet again."
"Haha, hello John."
"Well, you got anything for us?"
"Well."

(THE CRYSTAL MAN OPENS A DOOR AND THE ROCK WALKS IN)

"Oh my god..."
"Well, john?"
"A Flagship, I suppose?"
"Yes, john."
"Well, looks like we wont lose this war anymore"
"John, you must understand, the crystal have been hiding for years, we cant just reveal ourselves."
"Well, when are you going to?"
"Once your flagship is built."
"We don't have any blueprints."
"You do now"

(THE CRYSTAL MAN HANDS THE ROCK A BLUEPRINT FOR A FLAGSHIP)

"Thank you so much, this should help us a lot!"
"Your welcome."

(ENGI BOARDING STATION)

"Oh my god..."
"What, sir?"

(THE REBEL FLAGSHIP HOVERS OUT IN THE DISTANCE)

"Sir, remember, all of us are allies, exept the rock."

(RADIO ATTEMPT MADE WITH ENGI)

"Yes, rebel flagship?"
"Uhh we need to dock and refuel. Tell us when we are clear to dock"

(THE REBEL PILOT PRESSES BUTTONS AND THE GLOW OF THE RADAR SCREEN GLOWS ON HIS FACE)

"Rebel flagship you are cleared to dock"

(THE ALARM BLARES) WARNING, WARNING. MISSILE LOCK.

(REBEL FLAGSHIP CAPTAIN)

"Somebody messed with the wrong rebel"

(THE PILOT IS FORCED BACK AND HIS HEAD BANGS ON THE CONTROL PANEL)

"OH GOD!"
"Sir, im not sure whats happening!"

(A STEALTH SHIP UNCLOAKS)

"Well, its dead now."

(REBEL FLAGSHIP POWERS WEAPONS)

(REBEL FLAGSHIP FIRES ALL ITS GOT)

(THE PITCH BLACK SHIP DODGES ALL)

"My god."
"Could this be the rock, captain?"
"It doesn't have any rock markings, so surely not."

(THE SHIP SENDS A COMMUNICATION ATTEMPT TO THE REBEL FLAGSHIP)

"This is the rebel flagship."

"You will die, rebels"

"WHO IS THIS!?"

(CUTS COMMS)

(THE SHIP DISSAPEARS)

(THE CREW OF THE FLAGSHIP STANDS SILENT)

(BACK AT THE ROCK DOCKING STATION, MONTHS LATER)

As the last spark falls down from the flagship, the men scream in celebration.

"The Flagship is finished."
"The Crystal Flagship is finished aswell."
"Sir, its time."

(AT THE ZOLTAN FLAGSHIP DOCKING STATION)

"Sir, its not seen combat since it was built."
"So?"
"Well this flagship was made to end the rock."
"We haven't heard anything from the rock in about a year."
"... That is right..."
"Exactly."
"Well sir I think I-"

(THE ALARMS BLARE)

(A BARRAGE OF MISSILES FLIES TOWARDS THE BAY)

As they furiously fly towards the zoltan flagship, the pilot has one chance. He slams the cloak button.
There wasn't a way out, you see. Its watch this thing die or else.
Now, the real question is what happens?
Well, obviously the missiles miss and the zoltan uncloaks.

CHAPTER 2

(BACK AT A ROCK DOCKING STATION, DEEP IN CRYSTAL SPACE)

"Damn man."
'What?"
"The zoltan ship took no damage."
"Not one hull breach at all?"
"Who said we didn't have hacking systems?

(THE DOCKING STATION RUMBLES)

"Woaaaah!"
"What the hell!"
"Get the commander, and ask him what the hell happened."

(ALARMS BLARE)

"Should we ask the crystal?"
"No, we are searching rooms for flaws."
"Sheesh."
"Anyway, as you said?"
"Yes"
"Hey I got all time off commander I'm just waiting for you to talk"
"Anyway, we have no zoltan shield bypass, but if we take down the zoltan shield and hack the cloak..."
"I was thinking more about hacking something else, but alright."

(OVER AT THE CRYSTAL DOCKING STATION)

"You haven't told the rock yet, have you?"
"No, sir."
"Well, get the damn ship fueled up and make your way over there."
"Sir, its..."
"What."
"The ship sir."

(HE LOOKS OVER TO SEE CRYSTAL ENGINEERS REPAIRING IT)

"What the hell happened."
"Sir, I..."
"No, I want a straight answer"
"Sir, it took damage."
"WELL THATS PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS."
"Sir, all that happened was it was cloaked and got hit by a stray missile. A big one..."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard."
"Well, sir im so-"
"HEY, JOHN! SHES FIXED!"
"Well, commander."
"You better get going quick john."

(THE SHIP LAUNCHES OFF THE DOCKING STATION)

"Errrr, checking systems for CRS Rampage, all systems online."
"Where are we going today, sir?"
"Well, somebody needs some help..."
"What about telling the rock, sir?"
"We'll get to that later."
"Sir, we have a pirate M82-Elite Fighter."
"Im gonna turn on the cloak for this one."
"Alright, have at it."

(THE CRYSTAL SHIP CLOAKS)

"We are moving fast past the M82, sir."
"Its far behind us now."
"ALRIGHT, GET READY!"

(THE SHIP RUMBLES AND THEN JUMPS)

"Whoo!"
"Alright, time to exit this place."

(THE SHIP JUMPS TO THE NEXT SECTOR)

"Hmmmm..."
"Sir, we have strong crystal readings from... Planet number X-85."
"Alright, im gonna jump."

(SHIP JUMPS TOWARD X-85)

"This is it!"
"We need to enter the atmosphere."
"Wait, this thing has an atmosphere?"
"Yes..."
"Well, what could go wrong?"

(THEY START GOING DOWN THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE)

"Oh god this is hot!"
"No freaking s***, Sherlock."
"We are down on land"
"Captain, engage VTOL."
"Oh, right."

(VTOL ENGAGED)

"Ok..."
"Where are the crystal that need help?"

(A DEAD CRYSTAL SLUMPS OUT OF THE CLOAKING CHAIR AS A CREWMEMBER WALKS IN)

"Oh my god..."
"GUYS COME HERE!"
"What the hell is I-"
"Oh my god..."
"How, who, why?"

(THE CAPTAIN ENTERS THE ROOM)

"Captain wh-"

(THE CRYSTAL CREWMEMBER CRUMBLES, DYING)

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, CAPTAIN!"

"I work for the rebel drones, and I will reveal the crystal race to all."
"You..."
"TRAITOR!"

(THE CRYSTAL CAPTAIN STANDS, POINTING THE PLASMA GUN AT HIS HEAD)

"Ok, ok."
"Its not being a traitor, its being nice to the bad side."
"That's a traitor."
"Don't make any moves."

(THE CRYSTAL CAPTAIN STARES AT THE CONTROL PANEL)

(THE CREWMEMBER SILENTLY WALKS IN)

(HE TAKES HIS KNIFE OUT)

(HE SLITS THE CAPTAINS THROAT)

"Looks like the crystal isn't getting shown today, you bastard."

(THE CAPTAIN CRUMBLES DOWN INTO SHARDS)

(COMM ATTEMPTS ARE SENT TO CRYSTAL DOCKING BAY #37, NEAREST CRYSTAL DOCKING BAY)

"This is crystal docking bay, please identify yourself."
"Yes this is Junior Repairman on the CRS Rampage, john staff."
"And what is the problem?"
"The captain went mad and killed everybody, he worked for the rebel surveillance the whole time."
"Is he alive?"
"No, im the only one on the ship."
"Alright, what you need to do is turn automatic docking on."
"Check."
"Set the dock position on the map."
"Check."
"And that's just about it."
"Whoo!"

(SLUG CONTROLLED NEBULA)
"Setting course for planet Xyros."
"Ahah, what kind of name is that?"
"I don't know."
"Well, what happened to the rock?"
"We haven't seen them for years."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah, pretty strange if you just think about it."
"What happened to them?"
"We don't know, they were battling us one day then Poof! the next they're just gone, poof."
"Damn!"
"Yeah, pretty weird."
"What do you think happened?"
"They probably met another species, either that or they're just hiding because they're losing the war."
"Cross the species one out, we've scanned every sector and we don't have anything to prove I-"
"Stop right there, the rock reported they found a ship embedded in crystals, we don't know that."
"Did they disappear the day after?"
"Apparently."
"Wow..."
"That's a shocker."
"Well, we better get to o-"

(ALARMS BLARE)

"Ugh, what this time?"

(ON THE SPEAKERS)
"Hello, this is your captain speaking, please prepare to exit the ship and search the nearby asteroid for artifacts."

"Well this is new."
"Alright, im gonna go get my mining suit on."
"Alright, I might as well go."

(THE SLUG SHIP LANDS ON THE MEDIUM SIZED ASTERIOID AND THE CREW STEPS OUT)

"Alright... Artifacts... Artifacts..."

(HE CAREFULLY TAKES OUT HIS MINING DRILL)

"Ok now all w-"
"What the hell?"
"What..."
"Oh my god"
"GUYS!"
"GUYYYYS!"

(THE OTHER CREW RUSHES OVER TO THE SLUG MAN)

"What..."
"Its a ship covered in crystals..."
"Didn't the rock find one of these?"
"Yeah, lets keep digging"

(A FEW HOURS LATER)

"I think we need to leave this asteroid, I mean we have everything."
"Yeah, the ships pretty much looted."
"Alright, men! Tell me what you have one by one!"
"2 Guns with crystals on them, the crystals may not come off, ready for installation, sir!"
"I found some kind of stasis pod."
"We found a whole ship."
"I got so-"
"Wait."
"Something isn't right here."

(THE MAN SPOTS A SCALY LOOKING BROWN SHIP HIDING INSIDE OF THE ASTEROID)

"Oh my!"
"What is it?"
"A rock ship!"
"Where!?"

(THE MAN SHOWS THEM THE ROCK SHIP)

"Its buried..."
"The rock were on the asteroid first..."
"What if they're gone, wiped out by this one ship?"
"Not possible, not just one ship can wipe them out."
"Strange."

(INSIDE OF A CRYSTAL SCOUT SHIP)

"Sir, we have radar pings on an asteroid, looks like an SoS."
"Oh dang, that's one of ours, too!"
"Sir, divert operation to explore sector, set course for the asteroid."
"Sure thing, captain."

(A FEW JUMPS LATER)

"Sir, we are one jump from the asteroid."
"Alright, prepare to jump."

(JUMPS)

"Whoo!"
"****, get down!"
"Tell Zach to cloak the ship."

(PART 3 COMING SOON)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys, heres a list of things im PLANNING to add (I'll only make another if anyone reccomends it)

-Planning to add a battle with zoltan flagship

-Planning to add the lainus into the action

-Planning to add some more action

-Planning to add some secrets

-Planning to make the scenes more epic!

-Im also planning to take reccomendations, just post in the comments and i might include your reccomendation!

-Im planning to add some youtubers names (Vangaurd of Valor, Bren, etc.)

-Im planning to include some of the people who really liked this, their names might be included.

-Im planning to add a lot, as you can see.

-Im planning to make this about 50 chapters long (yes, im serious)

-Guys, come on. I would LOVE it if you comment and tell me what you think (im ignoring hate btw!)
Last edited by sweg on Fri Jul 18, 2014 8:57 pm, edited 4 times in total.
sweg
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2014 11:53 pm

Re: A Great Story (get your cocoa and blanket and read)

Postby sweg » Fri Jul 18, 2014 3:32 am

Anyone gonna reply? :C
User avatar
stylesrj
Posts: 3644
Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2014 7:54 am
Location: The Shrike
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Re: A Great Story (get your cocoa and blanket and read)

Postby stylesrj » Fri Jul 18, 2014 9:02 am

Don't expect replies on the same day you post, let alone a few hours. People read things at work, some just don't reply and others... well they respond like this. Snarkily.

No really, people will just make snarky responses that contribute no useful feedback.

Now for something a little bit more useful:

The story kinda jumps all over the place. I was looking forward to seeing the Crystals in a fanfic, but each section feels like you're firing a Basic Laser out of sequence with the others. Then there was a part about hacking and missiles and I think my brain got slammed with the module. Did you buy a Hacking Stun augment by any chance?

The single shot at a time approach is good if you want Weapons levelled up (your writing ability) but it does level up the target's Shields, Piloting and Engines (Criticism).

But in reality what should happen is that you breach the shield and start a fire (or cause damage but this analogy is thin as it is). Fire in sync with the other lasers or be like a Glaive Beam. Slow to charge but when it hits, it's glorious!

And that's about it really. Keep firing, but watch out for the firepower the target is packing. I heard they've got several Burst Laser Mk.IIs.

EDIT: Oh and to keep the analogy going, don't rush for the exit beacon. Take your time, explore each sector and collect as much scrap (writing) as you can for upgrades and weapons and stuff. There is a Rebel Fleet and it is chasing after you, but the radius isn't as big as you think it is each time you jump to a new beacon (story).
Don't take too long though or else there's an ASB and an angry Rebel Elite Fighter.
sweg
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2014 11:53 pm

Re: A Great Story (get your cocoa and blanket and read)

Postby sweg » Fri Jul 18, 2014 11:59 am

stylesrj wrote:Don't expect replies on the same day you post, let alone a few hours. People read things at work, some just don't reply and others... well they respond like this. Snarkily.

No really, people will just make snarky responses that contribute no useful feedback.

Now for something a little bit more useful:

The story kinda jumps all over the place. I was looking forward to seeing the Crystals in a fanfic, but each section feels like you're firing a Basic Laser out of sequence with the others. Then there was a part about hacking and missiles and I think my brain got slammed with the module. Did you buy a Hacking Stun augment by any chance?

The single shot at a time approach is good if you want Weapons levelled up (your writing ability) but it does level up the target's Shields, Piloting and Engines (Criticism).

But in reality what should happen is that you breach the shield and start a fire (or cause damage but this analogy is thin as it is). Fire in sync with the other lasers or be like a Glaive Beam. Slow to charge but when it hits, it's glorious!


And that's about it really. Keep firing, but watch out for the firepower the target is packing. I heard they've got several Burst Laser Mk.IIs.

EDIT: Oh and to keep the analogy going, don't rush for the exit beacon. Take your time, explore each sector and collect as much scrap (writing) as you can for upgrades and weapons and stuff. There is a Rebel Fleet and it is chasing after you, but the radius isn't as big as you think it is each time you jump to a new beacon (story).
Don't take too long though or else there's an ASB and an angry Rebel Elite Fighter.


I'll make more

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